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Life is good, and I am happy, and my wife is wonderful. :D I'm sleeping well for the first time in my life.
I've noticed myself getting more aggressive since I moved out here to Cali. It's particularly noticeable when I'm walking the dog; sometimes there are loose dogs who will follow us, uncollared and untagged. Before I would have yelled at the dog and tried to keep my distance as best I could; now if the dog is acting aggressive, I have no problem kicking it in the face. (I haven't had to yet, but it's come close. There's a roaming pit bull nearby.)

Is it just the stress of supporting a household for the first time? (Not that I'm doing much to support it, since no one will hire me...) Or is there just something in the air in California that makes everything a little more harsh? I think I remember Katie warning me about that when we drove over the border for the first time.

Either way, I don't like it.
My computer science professor insists on referring to 1's and 0's as "bit digits". Arglebargle. I'm going to go input my PIN number into the ATM machine.

As if awakening from a long sleep

I'm back, everybody. And I suppose the responsible thing to do would be to give an update of everything that's happened since my last post, which was... three months ago. Five months since a "real" post. Eugh. I'm really bad at updating. x3 Though I guess I kinda get discouraged because only a select few people comment on my posts. I'm not sure if that matters anymore, though... back in the day, my internet interactions were maintained for the purpose of staving off my loneliness, and so those sites which did little to assuage me were dropped like the proverbial lead balloon. I don't think I need to worry about that anymore; I am fortunate enough to have found a woman who is willing and able to spend the rest of eternity by my side. I referred to her as my fiancee in my last "real" post, five months ago; since then she has been upgraded to the status of wife. Hooray! Those of you who follow me on Facebook will of course have already known, but it merits mentioning anyway, considering it permanently and irrevocably changes my life. For the better, I'm sure.

I did also move to California, and am currently living in an apartment in Colton, rent-free due to my wife's grandfather's generosity. He is also our landlord. This is an immeasurable improvement from actual cohabitation with said grandfather... he tended to be moody and crass. And he and I didn't understand each other very well, seeing as I am naturally a quiet speaker and he's bordering on deaf. All these things, plus the dismal job market in California, contributed to quite the strained atmosphere in that house. So we moved.

Our address now, for those of you who keep track of those things, is posted below.

Life here has not been without its drawbacks, but all in all I and the wife have been very happy. We have two cats, Duke and Ivy, who have brought our lives sunshine and poop. Mostly poop, though. California provides enough sunshine. Katie, my wife of going on three months (!), has found a minimum-wage job at Kohl's; I have not been so lucky, but I continue to search diligently. I start school at the local community college in two weeks or so; that promises to be fun, and I crave the sense of progress. I'm playing DnD roughly weekly with my wife and her old Ohio friends, and I'm thinking about setting up another local group for play.

That's about it, really. I plan to keep posting here, so any of you who've missed me can be happy about that. :3

EDIT: My address, which I forgot to post the first time:
1323 Pennsylvania Ave.
Colton, CA 92324

May. 7th, 2010

I am posting this for the express purpose of establishing proof of web presence and cognitive existence tha tI might join the site Barbelith. Flist, feel free to ignore.

As a side note, who decides where the Mormon.org ads go? o_o; They seem rather haphazardly places about the intraweb.

The Mirror, and other Ramblings

Ugh, I guess I actually have to write in this, don't I? ><; It's cold here, though I think that's just me; Google says it's 54F, so I guess I should stop complaining.

First, a general update on my life. For those who haven't heard, I will be moving to San Bernardino with my fiancée, halcyonhorse, in mid-May. Very exciting, and if I don't seem excited right now, it's because I'm in this house, and because it's 7 in the morning. I'm up because I'm supposed to help someone do something with their yard at 8:00..... Mom said it's $10 an hour, but thinking about it now, I can only work for two hours or so (cuz I have real work, Haggar work, at 12), so it's more like "How would you like $20?" I'm not sure if it's worth it, especially since I have homework I need to do. Hmm.

For those of you who are saying, "What? Fiancée? I thought he was going on one of them Mormon missions?!", I will simply tell you that No, I am not. My reasons are my own. If you're someone whom I want to know, then you already know. If not let "I don't feel like it's right for me" suffice.

Umm.... I hate this household. Really, I just hate being trapped here. I don't hate the people in it... even though I get mad at my dad on occasion (I ended up confronting him a few days ago, not a wise move, but at least I kinda got my point across), I still love him. 's just hard talking to him, because every conversation we have he has to win somehow. I'm sick of it.

On to the meat of the post, I guess.

A few days ago I was talking to my therapist, and she was having me do certain activities, fill things out on paper. One of the ones she mentioned was something she called "The Mirror of Erised". The reference should be obvious to anyone who reads this journal. In it, she told me that I would be writing down scenarios which exemplified my fantasies, which were not necessarily goals I had, but were fulfillments of my deepest desires, even (especially?) the unhealthy ones. After we discussed this for a while, and I told her that I was having trouble, she told me to journal about it for a few days. So, here we go.

The first thing I thought of was "rest", and in fact I told Bridgette (my therapist) this in our meeting. She wanted me to be more specific, though, asking what 'rest' would look like in the mirror. This was... difficult for me to pin down, really, because the reason, I think, that I was rest, is twofold. At first she thought that I just wanted to be rested, that is, to get a good night's sleep and be awake and prepared for each new day. While that would be wonderful, it wasn't what I was thinking... some of you reading may know that when I'm confronted with something that shames me, my first instinct is to go to sleep. I guess the reason for that is a kind of escapism... when I'm asleep, I'm not there, so I don't have to worry about the situation, or talk to anyone who's disappointed in me. So that's really what I was referring to when I said rest: an escape, and not just from my situation, but from consciousness. When I was younger I used to fantasize about killing myself, which was a juvenile realization of this dream, but part of the reason I think I never succumbed to the desire was because I knew that it wasn't actually what I was looking for. Death wouldn't solve anything; my consciousness would remain. Consciousness always continues. And what I see in my Mirror of Erised is something that's not just unattainable, but in fact nonexistent in any universe: Oblivion.

I relate (have always related) quite strongly to Hamlet's Soliloquy, in which he ponders the relative merits of life and death, ultimately deciding (spoilers!) that he must continue living, because he did not know what would come afterward, or whether it would be better. As for myself, I do know what comes afterwards, and it's (immediately, at least; until judgement) no better than this. And as for the Celestial Kingdom? Wouldn't Heaven be the rest I want? Well, in theory I suppose, but... it scares me a little, because I know that Work is an eternal principle, and that I can never escape it, and right now I'm just so tired... I can't fathom that. I really can't. Not that I'm lazy -- or maybe I am -- I just can't carry the load I have. It's so heavy. There are a thousand things that make it lighter - Katie is one of them, and the brightest provider of hope around me -- but it's still so hard living every day. I hurt everywhere. x_x;

So Death holds little mystery for me, and therefore little allure. Those readers who are concerned by the morbidity contained herein may well set their minds at ease; I will not be killing myself, by any direct or indirect means. I have a purpose here, and I intend to see it through. It just feels like sloughing right now.

I still, then, have an empty mirror, devoid of any tangible dream, except that of no dreams at all. What is it that I'm looking for? Not the exterior me, and not exactly the interior me, either... but my drive, my basest motivation, what is it? I'm not sure yet. I'll have to ponder some more.

Unconditional love?
Family?
Solitude?
Clarity of mind?

Feb. 17th, 2010

KATIE STEAL!

>_>
<_< .... <3
I totally saw Mandii at Quad C today. x3 Awesome. She's doing well. We talked for a few minutes as I had a break between classes.

CLASSES WERE SO FUN. RAWR. <3
So I decided to go back and see just how long the subplot that Dan Shive just concluded has lasted.

The answer? Over five years.

This is why I love this webcomic. I forget when I'm reading it that it only updates two or three times a week; it feels cohesive in a way other comics don't.
American Idol.... the auditions bug me. It's obvious that they let people through simply to entertain - there is a rumor I've heard (true? I haven't bothered to verify, but I don't disbelieve it) that you can actually audition as a comedy act, if you're convincing enough. Also... sometimes the judges just say 'no, sorry, go away', and sometimes they smirk and say 'okay, keep singing, try again, go ahead' even when they're SO OBVIOUSLY BAD. I wonder how they can sit there without cringing, but further I wonder why they get those peoples' hopes up like that. I don't usually even watch the auditions, because they just squick me so much. I usually give up on them after the second night, and come back when they're done.

It's just a reminder that American Idol is set to entertain first, and is a music competition second. I understand that, but it's annoying.

I'm still gonna audition again one of these days. Maybe next year, if things line up right. I dunno if I'm good enough, but I'll try. <3

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Never Alone
wyntrewolfe
J. Anthony Sterrett, Jr.

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